Even though I’ve already spent a good amount of time as a stay-at-home-mom, I still missed out on a good fraction of being with my kids. Yes, I was at home with them. I bathed them, dressed them, fed them, cleaned up after them and guided them when needed but I wasn’t really “there.” I was going through the motions of “being a good mom,” when my head was somewhere else. There was always something that I needed to get back to doing after I fulfilled an immediate need of one of my children. I’d grab Landon his juice and get back to the dishes. I’d change Willow’s diaper and get back to folding laundry. The constant attending to my kids felt like a distraction from my “real work.” When really, they ARE the most important work and everything else comes in second. Right? Well, yes and no.
Yes, they are the utmost priority to me and it sounds like common sense that they would come before something like the dishes. The truth is that I used to get so caught up in trying to get something done that I was immensely disconnected from my sweet littles that need their mama. Not only was I disconnected but my responses to Landon would come from a place of complete annoyance because I felt like he kept disrupting me. So then, an innocent request from him like, “mama, can I have some juice?,” was met with one of my snappy responses, “just wait!” or “hold on!” Subconsciously, I was passive aggressively punishing him by making him wait because I felt like he was burdening me. So then, I’d get this guilt trip when my sweet little boy walks away feeling sad and confused as to why I’m mad at him. Ugh! Of course upon seeing that, it pulled at my heart strings and I would finally decide to step away from the sink, get him his juice and apologize for being a shitty mom. 🙁
The reality is, you will ALWAYS have something to get back to and you will ALWAYS be waiting for that break. I used to spend my days waiting, waiting and waiting… Waiting for nap time so I can have a moment to myself, waiting for bedtime so I can be in silence, waiting for Brad to come home so I can have a kid free moment. It was like I was always waiting to get away from them. I was subconsciously reacting from a place of annoyance. And the more I reacted from annoyance, the more I attracted the same scenarios to happen that annoyed me even more! That’s just how the law of attraction works whether I liked it or not. Energetically, it was a snowball effect and continued to be a snowball effect until I became conscious of it and began to break the habit. Otherwise, I was attracting circumstances that fell into alignment with what I was feeling…annoyed!
My kids ARE the most important “work,” but everything else does not have to come second. There are solutions for everything if we shifted our energies to align with it. Landon tends to find everything I’m doing interesting and he always wants to try (folding laundry, cooking, vacuuming, etc…) If I ever feel the inclination to say, “no,” I catch myself and think about why I’m about to say it. Is he truly incapable of learning by my side or am I just annoyed that he’s disrupting me again and I just really want to get this shit done? And if the honest answer is the second reason, then I take a moment to sit there with the feeling of annoyance. I don’t try to suppress it, express it, resist it or judge it. I acknowledge it. Once I do, the feeling will start to pass and I can let it go. Afterwards, I look at Landon and smile at him from my heart because now (that the annoyance has been let go) I can meet him from a place of love and connection. From there, he’s happily learning to put his own laundry away, chop vegetables or water our plants right beside me as I hold the space for him to learn in my absolute presence.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days where I’m hiding in the bathroom crying or wanting to rip my hair out if I hear my name called one more time! But, I’m aware of it now and am striving for progress by consciously breaking these bad habits.
Through active consciousness, I’ve seen so much improvement in my life and with Landon too. I don’t hold him back from anything and he has become so responsible and self-sufficient because of it. Since he was just 3 years old, he knew how to wash his own clothes, put his clean laundry away, grow and pick food to eat, use sharp knives and a hot stove. I’ve come to realize that children are very capable of any/everything they attempt and if we hold a safe space for them to explore their potential, they blossom beautifully!
Landon’s making breakfast this morning! 🙂
He doesn’t need my help anymore. 🙂